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May is apparently Mental Health month. Hug a self-righteous zealot :)
So, in my dream, Ellen Page wandered by wearing an Alan Page football jersey. It doesn't take a court-ordered psychotherapy guy to see what happened here: in "X-Men 3", Ellen played Kitty Pryde, a character from Illinois. And Alan Page finished his Hall of Fame career playing for Chicago, a town located - of all places - in Illinois!
It's really satisfying to be master of your own subconscious like that.
Ooh. . ."military leader". . .
"The problem is, the events are completely unrealistic."
"The Ny Mets Gigantics are my favorite squadron."
1962 was an exceptionally ugly year.
Yikes: hypnosis via handshake induction.
Those of you who dwell among other humans need to watch out for this shit.
The Mayan Elders, The 13 Crystal Skulls, & the Importance of Their Upcoming Ceremonial Pilgrimage Across the USA
Self hate?! No no - I never said anything about self hate.
"Yet no one denies that toddlers are composed of particles that behave according to deterministic laws."
It turns out that the term "wedge salad" is just fancy restaurant talk for "We're too lazy to chop the lettuce into Pokémon shapes".
Fukushima linked to Extraterrestrial War on Earth during the 1930’s.
Well, duh.
So it rained briefly while I was on Carrier, between Albertson's and the post office, which is good - the drought has really hit that area hard.
"However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."
Lol: the chick on "Project Runway" has my favorite shirt. . .
The concert info said that Yes was opening for Styx. However, Styx came out first. They're calling it "The Great Thackerville Mix-up", as far away as Poland. Highly controversial.
"Starship Trooper" sounded as good as it ever has.
I *thought* I reckon-ized Brad Holbrook on The Onion's Today Now! show. He used to be an actual news anchor on Tulsa's NBC affiliate KTEW.
So they brought back Quisp. It's just like it used to be - roof of my mouth was bleeding and everything :D
Green Lantern, Thor, Azrael. . .none of them are a match for Captain Bio
How can you go wrong with a site called awkwardfamilyphotos.com?
Nod at your beverage after each sip, so people will know how much you're enjoying it.
My inner child's gut instinct suggests that the word "Nashville" simply does not belong on the Stanley Cup.
(Of course, it already says "Ducks" on it, so what the hell.)
LISTEN - WIZARDS ARE *NOT* PSYCHIC! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TOLD?!
So there's this TV commercial for free credit scores. Turns out this guy had three scores they had to check. . .when they pulled them up, there were these three guys, each representing one of the credit scores. The first two were pretty good looking - tall, strong dudes. But the third one was this gross little bald guy! Total dork. He didn't fit in with the other two at all. He was supposed to be a bad credit score, and he sure looked like it. I was telling the TV "Get that guy outta there! He's terrible!" Fortunately, they replaced him with another tall hunk like the first two. This totally solved the problem, 'cuz that little bastard was ruining everything! He never should have been there to begin with.
Stellar plasma phenomena recorded in ancient rock carvings by ancient vandals
It's probably my duty to be annoyed that the premise of some new movie called "Hanna" appears to be stolen from a decade-old Batman story which featured a mute Asian chick who had been raised as an assassin becoming the new Batgirl (which, in turn, was practically a rip-off of Azrael's origin saga).
Ancient nuclear explosion on Mars
Trevor Horn is producing the new Yes album, which will apparently feature one of their best (but rarely heard) songs from 1980's Buggles-infused lineup as its title track. Good news, this.
FACT*: Devo is doing the Lord's work
(* gut feeling)
Is there no remedy for juggler's regret?
(Also, Earthquake Rose™.)
Everyone deserves their very own Soviet dog head-controlled robot.
Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber
There's something warm & fuzzy about being called "Spawn of Satan" by an old-timey fire and brimstone preacher - as he's busy putting words in your mouth, no less.
So they're playing the World Series Super Bowl just down the street.
You look out the window, and it's hookers and media far as the eye can see.
"Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?"
How the hell do they measure earthquakes with a lie detector?!
My prediction for 2011 is the rise of some band called Substitute Hogwash Trio as the next big thing™.
I got me a gut feeling down in m' shin bones.
The new Elder Scrolls sequel was just announced. Looks like a Nords Vs. Dragons scenario. BOOSH.
Apparently, people who just sneezed don't like it when you holler "QUIT IT" instead of saying "Bless You".
A blogger's account of avoiding molestation by TSA agents.
So, they fired Jim Zorn why?
Mankind may not survive unless we stop and address the ancient questions facing us.
So they're playing the Super Bowl World Series just down the street.
You look out the window, and it's hookers and media far as the eye can see.
So I've only got 4 days left to find a super-absorbant gorilla costume.
PlayMobil Airport Security Check Point
<CLIK CLAK>
VOTE, GOTDAMMIT!
Homer Simpson: A True Catholic?
Troy Soren: Theologist
So, the judge rules in favor of the Cub Scouts, and my own lawyer thinks it's funny.
Bastards. Both of 'em.
Some folks simply aren't happy unless they're voicing bitter disdain for everything and everyone ;)
If there were a huge robot named Gargantron, and you were terrified of him, don't be - he hasn't even been programmed yet!
"I have read your website and it is obviously that your a foggot."
A killer-sciency blog about An Ongoing Study of the Very Near Future.
What does it mean when you gotta read half a dozen reviews of the new Venture Brothers episode to find one that does so suitably, but still has a miniscule grammatical error?
"Boys love to launch things"
Well. . .yeah.
The guy across the street has a parrot that you can hear whenever their garage door is open. I like to assume the guy's wife hates it and the kids aren't allowed to go near it because he loves it so much and that one day he'll have to choose between his pet and his family. And I just wanna go over there and demand to know "HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?!"
I totally forgot that this guy is my hero!
Life is so good lately that I've completely abandoned the idea of faking my own death and living out my days hidden in plain sight under a white sheet.
If you're bowling, and I tell you to "Be the ball", what's so hard about that? Don't you want to be a winner?
Government-sponsored occult mind control experiments in the early days of Rock and Roll.
HERE'S A PRETTY GOOD ONE
Apparently, there aren't a whole lot of females who play first-person shooters online, considering I hear my offspring a couple times a day explaining to her teammates "Uh, yes, I am actually a girl."
More of the same, from you-know-where.
Nothing beats firing twin pistols while diving for cover in slow motion. Except maybe explosions. And sandwiches.
Lost cat-type stuff.
When you try explaining to christians that most of our English bible translations are riddled with inaccuracies when compared to the original Hebrew & Greek texts, and that consequently they're likely supporting leavened premises which God never had in mind, 44% of the time they'll go into a does-not-compute loop, and then default into telling-you-how-to-be-saved mode.
IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THAT EVERY TIME I PASS A MIRROR, I STOP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GIVE MYSELF A THUMBS UP. THAT'S THE KIND OF CONFIDENCE THAT NOBODY CAN AFFORD.
England's newest crop glyph, consisting of, by one guy's count, over 150 circles.
Does this mean I'm on the map now?
(Who the hell submitted this?)
Remember that one house that was surrounded by cops a couple weeks ago? It's for sale now.
When birds go bad.
I ain't drinkin' that. . .bish blowed up Melrose.
If you're going to be attending Daughter's birthday, dress like you would for either a spelling bee or a court-martial.
Since when do laboratory animals pump their own gas?
When a nephew who works at Starbuck's comes to stay with you, don't forget to inform him how you prefer your coffee. In my case, I like it presented by Her Majesty's harlequins on a shimmering mink pelt.
Star Trek's 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures
Anyone see the Canadiens beat Ovechkin's league-champion Capitals? They took his Irish butt downtown.
Sports are great, but it'd be so much better if the referees were mimes.
Here's hoping "Iron Man 2" features his infamous struggle with alcoholism.
Less action, more intervention!
Kung Fu Massacre: a "film" my friend and his buddies made in his yard, in something like 1983.
Has it aged well, or what?
Every time I flip past Dancing Up A Storm, I can't help but wonder to myself: "When will we find a cure?"
Powerful, powerful testimony here from the Prince of Fresh Air.
(Sixth best thing ever.)
Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of record covers from the golden age of LPs: Gospel edition
So I was in the grocery store and picked up Sunny D Smooth, but I couldn't find Sunny D Smoothe (now in verb form).
Claim: There are Nazis on the Moon
If you had told George Halas 60 years ago that, someday, halfbacks would typically line up fully back, and fullbacks would be almost obsolete, and that much of the time, quarterbacks were calling signals from more than one-fourth of the way back, he might have turned over in his grave and called you some kind of liar.
True story.
SO THOSE OLD PALMOLIVE COMMERCIALS ARE JUST A BIG JOKE TO YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?!
So they're remaking "Tron".
I wonder whether they're still using Cooper SK-series hockey helmets as futuristic headgear.
TO DO LIST:
1. wash car
2. act natural
Chandelier of the Day
When someone asks "What would you do if you had Superman's powers?" no one ever says "Walk around with my eyes shut, still able to see."
I try all the time to be less like Fonzie, but it's just not that easy.
Who else has had enough of Alyssa Milano's mixed signals?
You know, I really won over those tech support guys that one time I brought Cap'n Crunch to the company potluck.
Yes much good tonight. They play "Machine Messiah" and "Astral Traveller" and "Heart of the Sunrise". The replacement singer was quite solid.
Somehow, though, I ended up in the bloated-drunken-extroverted-probably-corporate-ass-kissing-schmucks-talking-and-laughing-all-during-the-show section. Kinda surprised I didn't see my old boss.
1995: Newsweek scoffs at the internet. . ."Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works."
Yeah, this one's a keeper.
Quote of Week:
"I've been effecting world events for years, I suppose these are all 'delusions' too."
HaloScan, my longtime interactive e-comment synergist, is going away, to be replaced by Echo, who apparently wants $12 a year from me (which comes out to something like $4.50 per comment). Since fuck that, I'm-a export my existing 136 comments and archive them in a high-density ion stasis chamber for future re-implementation at my convenience.
There just may be some hope for this country after all!
The internet is all about salvaging some of the bright spots from one's youth.
I totally bet you that I could be ranked pretty high on some kind of list or whatever.
"Are You a Christian Supremacist?"
You can't tell from this blog, but when speaking, I roll my 'R's like there's no tomorrow.
Lord, how I miss these guys.
I thought we had something special. I thought we'd grow old together.
I didn't think they'd care that I'm part injun.
But I was wrong
Dead wrong.
Jade Empire! And thus begins the saga of Fug Li Ho. . .
I shot my snowman. I couldn't bear to see him just wasting away like that.
Obscure fact: when the clock on the oven says "375", it doesn't mean you overslept - it means someone is cooking.
So, in Call Of Duty 2, all your squad-mates have the typical commando nicknames like "Jayhawk" and "Worm" and "Ghost". . .I just think there should be some good alternative-lifestyle ones, like "Hunk" or "Hotstuff" or even "Buns".
(I know. Too much Venture Brothers. It happens.)
"Avatar: Dances With Ewoks"
starring Mark Wahlberg and Brendan Fraser
My review. . .
THIS MOVIE GLAMORIZES HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE CORPORATE GREED AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER!
Seriously, it didn't suck, but there's a lot of predictable cheese to navigate. I was actually quite bored at times, even if it did look like a Yes album come to life.
* Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity, but make sure to phrase it in such a way that he doesn't think it's him you're interested in.
It's not often you find such an apt video example of the term "hard-core".
That is so seriously bad-ass, the way that wet towel totally supported that coffee cup, like it wasn't even trying.
Fingers crossed that Thursday morning will see the headline "Tellarite Wins Top Chef". . .
Question: if I axe somebody, "HOLY CRAP - WHERE'D YOU GET TACO BUENO FROM?!" and they respond with "Mars", do I look like I have the face of a guy whose face deserves an answer like that, right to his face?
The definitive progressive rock tree.
One thing I kind of miss about my kid not being little anymore is how on those rare occasions when she'd misbehave, I'd warn her that she better settle down or she'd end up in trouble, and I'd gravely add the comment "And that is an idle threat."
New song is presentable and now uploaded:
Onset, part 2 of a thing.
I've always feared cryptomnesia, but more so since I've learned that it has a name ("cryptomnesia"). Prolly not an issue here, although who knows. Meh.
What a thanksgiving! This was one for the scrapbooks. . .
Ol' Mother Nature had thrown us one curveball we didn't expect, as the snowstorm picked up and made for trouble clean across the state. So we set out extra early - ain't no way we were going to miss Grandma's famous pumpkin gravy! But the weather caught up to us, and we got stuck in a rut just outside the county line. I got my shovel and started digging; it was the only choice we had. I dug my little heart out, but didn't seem to be gettin' no where, til I heard a voice. . .strong as the mountain, and yet soft as the summer hay. . .
"Show's over, boys!"
Holy cow - that's what Grandma used to say whenever she caught us skinny dipping in the molasses! It was Grandma! There she stood, trowel in one hand and gravy boat in t'other. . .She had spied us from the hillside, and come down to help! She laughed that magical laugh of hers, and that golden twinkle in her eye told me it was all gonna be alright. So, together, me and Grandma dug and dug, but we didn't seem to be getting nowhere. So finally, we sat down, and we had that gravy right there by the roadside, all 9 of us. Who woulda pictured such a sight! Then right before dark, a lone convoy come by and gave us a lift back to the base - we tiptoed in just in time to get the very last slice of ol' fashioned biscuit pie, and catch a peek at the stripper the sarge had hired. Well, the kids slept like logs that night, and as I tossed another fiddle on the fire, I lit up my pipe and leaned back and remembered to gave thanks for Grandma and all she'd done to make this a Thanksgiving to remember about.
Just how long are we going to continue entertaining Hank Williams Jr's pact with Satan?
Thi$ could be it, guys. . .
<< TEEN POP/R&B SONGS needed by a member of a hugely successful boy band, who is managing a Female Teen Girl Group. We are told their style is very similar to The Cheetah Girls meets Spice Girls with a Pop/R&B sound. Songs should showcase this group's amazing vocal talent. All tempos are welcome but mid to up tempos with catchy hooks and infectious melodies are preferred. Please submit two to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics/photo/bio. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Wednesday, December 2, 2009. >>
I need to roll up my sleeves and polish up "Test Tube Baby" for them, pronto. Got a good, lucky feeling about this one.
(View the rest of this week's TAXI listings here.)
Ants.
In the @#$% fucking driveway.
It's clear I must slay the queen; otherwise I shall be twice a fortnight in a fool's crusade to fell her throne.
Damn such asperity as this.
Move over, Family Circus: our Cartoon of the Day
In an attempt to be decent, I've resisted posting this for nearly 4 months, but some guys are simply begging to be heard. . .
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